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Trying to make it possible alone

Sam Nadarajan
Community Leader
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Community Leaders are connectors, ambassadors, and mentors. On the online community, they serve as thought leaders, product experts, and moderators.
April 28, 2024

At the time of this writing, thousands of Atlassian enthusiasts will descend upon Las Vegas for Atlassian's global Team conference. The anticipation leading up to this event was in full gear even before last year's event ended, and groups across the world have been preparing to see the new frontier that continues to be built for an increasingly collaborative world.

"Impossible Alone" continues to be the theme of this year's Team conference. Thinking on this theme, I spent the past month reflecting on the personal career growth that has occurred, and how the things I am doing today at work are things that are...well...impossible to do alone. 

It's easy for us to see the importance of a team in our professions, we do have to work together. Even the more socially isolating role still requires collaboration to produce a cohesive product/service. But what about in your non-professional life? Have you recently been in a situation where you tried to do something on your own that would have been much better had someone been with you?

We are currently a one-car family, and every time I load something in the trunk I see this Class III 2 inch trailer hitch that I installed on our car so that we could haul bikes around more effectively:

IMG_1468 (1).jpg

I browsed the instructions, which recommended having someone help me, but I figured the second person would only prop the hitch up underneath the car so I could bolt it into the frame. I could rig some sort of alternative. Since I was alone (my wife was away) I figured it would be a little bit more difficult but not impossible.

Everything was fine up until I had to lift the hitch up in place so I could connect it to the car frame. Cleaning the rust around the holes, cutting into the plastic underside, everything was easy to do for one person (thanks YouTube). But these hitches are heavy and for good reason (think 60+ pounds). So here I was, with the rear of the car elevated, trying to hold a heavy hitch in place so I could put some bolts in, but I could not hold the hitch evenly against the car to put the bolts in! I struggled for a good 30 minutes, before I had a great, non-additional person idea.

Scrap Wood!

Thankfully I had some scrap wood from previous solitary projects that I could use. If I stack enough of them in just the right place, then I could put the hitch on the wood, then it would brush right up against the car, then I could be on my merry way.

2 hours later.

I am a sweaty mess, and one of my neighbors walked by. We chatted for a bit (I needed a break), and I explained I was putting the hitch on the car. I am horrible at asking for help (I am pretty stubborn and independent). But I was at my wits end so I coughed up the courage to ask my neighbor if he could spare a couple of hands to help me hold the hitch in place while I got a couple of bolts in.

10 minutes later.

I'm done! The hitch is firmly fastened to the car, all that is left is cleanup. How much time could I have saved had I had the courage to ask a neighbor friend to help me! My stubbornness cost me time that day - time that I will never get back. Every time I walk around the back of the car and see that hitch, I think of that hot Sunday afternoon in August where I spent too much time doing something alone that could have been done quickly with a friend. And as I get older, I realize that there are more and more things that are indeed, impossible alone, and life is much more enriching when you have help.

So I know I am not the only one out there that tried too long to do something difficult on my own. I'm curious to know what your story is - when was the last time you tried doing something by yourself outside of work that would have been better off with some help?

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Bill Sheboy
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April 29, 2024

Thanks for your post, @Sam Nadarajan 

I find this is a common issue, for both inside of work and outside of work scenarios.

Inside, lots of software engineers rationalize spending "just 10 more minutes", expanding into hours / days, to fix something rather than pausing to explain it out loud to another person, where the solution appears...as if by magic.  (It also may have helped to use Kent Beck's idea of "test && commit || revert" when the team is collaborating.)

Outside, I notice solo people hiking who rely far too much on technology not to get lost, wandering around a river bed, trying to find a way back to a trail.  When they pause to ask another who has been there before, they are rapidly on their way, and may acquire a hiking partner to continue the journey.

Kind regards,
Bill

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Sam Nadarajan
Community Leader
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May 1, 2024

Ditto on the hiking, I am all about doing it alone as much as possible because I have this unfounded theory that by doing it alone the bragging rights are that much bigger. But, we see too many instances where the outcome is even worse than getting temporarily lost.

One of the things we tell our developers on teams is to timebox how much time they'll spend headscratching on a particular issue, some of them go longer than the agreed upon time but I think that the concept of "psychological safety" also plays a major factor in those environments!

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Andy Gladstone
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May 1, 2024

@Sam Nadarajan so timely and appropriate. I am horrible at asking for assistance, and need to pay better attention to that so I can apply the principles of Impossible Alone, Possible Together. Oddly my issue seems to be more with strangers than with family members or neighbors. I guess having 20-year old and teenage boys that can help around the house (and lift more than I can safely) makes that a bit easier.

 

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Sam Nadarajan
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May 1, 2024

Strangers are only temporary until you say hi/how are you/give me 3 reasons why you love Costco and Trader Joes. Then they're no longer strangers and it's easier to ask for help right?

I get it though, unless I know you and have worked to that point where I am comfortable with you, it requires a certain level of trust/vulnerability to ask for help, because you're inviting said person/people into your orbit (even if it may be temporary). I guess that where's wisdom comes in to know how to read/navigate the situation, but even if it is completely safe I get the small part of me that is like - well let me just try it on my own a little bit longer.

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Barbara Szczesniak
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May 1, 2024

I am much better at offering to help someone else who looks like they need it (whether they ask or not), than asking for help myself. I will actually NOT buy the 40-bottle pack of water at the wholesale club because, even if I asked someone in the store to help put it in my cart, they are not going to help me move it from my cart to the car and then from my car to the garage. 💪Maybe I need to learn to ask my 26-year-old nephew to go with me to the store.

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Sam Nadarajan
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May 1, 2024

@Barbara Szczesniak I hope you are talking about Costco Wholesale because I would totally give you concierge service there (I love Costco). 

That being said, I totally get it, you can get help in the store, but you need help all the way, so in a sense you're not asking for someone to join you for a moment, you're asking for someone to join you for a journey, which does require a bit more trust/vulnerability on your part.

Whenever I visit my mom in Maryland I take her to Costco and we stock up on water bottles because she can't lift them, I'll get her like 3 cases and it will last her for a few months. Maybe you get your nephew to help you bulk purchase and load bulk sizes of water so it doesn't happen as frequently? Or make the trunk of your car the new water bottle storage place :)

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Amanda Barber
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May 1, 2024

Like @Barbara Szczesniak - I'm really good at offering help, but terrible at asking for help. I've been working on asking for help more in both my personal and professional life. It's hard undoing years of being the one who's got everything handled (or appears to!) but with some recent turns in life, I've been needing help more often. The best part? Everyone is so willing to help - it's been an easier ask than I was anticipating. 💜

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Sam Nadarajan
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May 1, 2024

I can second that! I feel like today's culture is more accepting and willing to help, I know I am willing to help anyone else, but I kind of have to put the brakes in many instances because I get eager too quickly. Lately if I'm traveling and I see a group trying to take a selfie I'll offer to take a picture of them so they have a better memory of it, and it helps because oftentimes they'll reciprocate, and that serves as the launchpad for an unexpected yet interesting discussion.

But yea, undoing years of thinking and operating a certain way is a challenge in and of itself!

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